dark clouds

  • the angels

Two back surgeries in one week left me debilitated to the point walking again was looking bleak.  The surgery was successful, but the aftermath was not; what a predicament.  While lying in bed helpless a blue code went off, someone’s life is in danger.  I must pray for that person.

My kidney’s were shutting down, bowels quit, and 30 lbs. of water had accumulated in my body.  Breathing mask on and accompanied by many people in blue coats, off to ICU I went.  On waking, a new apparatus had joined me, a ‘bicycle chain’ down my throat.  Someone was always pushing pills, taking blood pressure, giving shots, feeding, bathing, and wiping my butt.  Many days and nights were sleepless; this whole scenario was not my idea of a good day.

Being in ICU quickly subdued any thoughts of being in control of anything.  So I’m thinking, where are all of those angels who are supposed to encompass and help me in my time of need.  Have they all gone on vacation?

At that complaint I sensed the Lord saying to me, “Do you see all the people who have helped you?”  – – – –   nurses, doctors, aids,  and the machines


”  – – – – these are my ‘holy angels of mercy.’ ”

My heart leaped with joy and I began telling everyone who took care of me they were a ‘holy angel of mercy.’  People responded with joy, tears, a smile, thank you, and gratefulness.  What a beautiful message of love from the Creator to those who helped me.

There were many who supported me through this trial; I am especially grateful to the ones who wiped my butt and bathed me, that’s mercy.

There was only one person who did not respond to being a “holy angel of mercy”; this puzzled me.  The Lord later revealed that this person was to self-sufficient to receive his love from me.

Oh! – – – I see – – – like me?  Yes, like you.

Psalm 91:11  “For he will give his angels charge of you to guard you in all your ways” (RSV)




















I Am A Mystery

  • to myself
  • but not to God

Reeling from a failed marriage left me broke, alone, depressed, and confused; there was no hope, no future – – – life was over.  My most cherished beliefs were crushed: marriage, children, and family.

Being a vagabond was not my idea of happiness, but for a while I was until a family took me in.  To earn my keep there was plenty of stripping and painting of furniture to do; the family was preparing to move to a new city.  I went with them to their new home that needed lots of painting and repairs; more board and room chores was good.  Through all the stripping and painting I had lots of time to think of why this failure, where to go now, and where am I going to get the strength to go on.

The family was quite spiritual; I tagged along with them to church.  Slowly my sense of God in life returned and I began to immerse myself in reading the Psalms in the Old Testament to gain strength for every moment of the day. There was one Psalm that gave me great comfort Psalm 139:14 (NAB)  “My very self you know.”  The Lord knows me better than I know myself, especially at this point in my life.

One day it was time to return to the working world, in trepidation I began my search.  There was a small ad in a shopper’s guide paper that read: Adult education teachers wanted.  I had no idea what an adult education teacher was, but I did have an education degree.

It was in in the arena of adult education I began to heal and have purpose.  I had the privilege of working with people who were looking for a second chance in life just like me.  Adult education was teaching those who had not completed their high school diploma the first time but were returning to get it the second time.  My students ranged in age from 18 to 85; what a privilege to serve them.

It was in serving and nurturing others that life began to return and it was in immersing myself in the Psalms that my soul began to sing again.

Serving and worshiping the Creator who formed me and gave me life from the beginning had not abandoned me; and he will not and has not abandoned you.



My Mother

  • I have two
  • Natural
  • Spiritual

My natural mother did the best she could in raising us; she came from a rugged background of childhood abuse.  Her childhood memories affected her relationship with my brother and me, but as we grew older we understood and were given the grace to forgive her and ourselves for not loving more.  Ignorance is not bliss.

It’s not easy to be a mother; your self-love must die and perhaps some of your dreams.  The bottom line is that we women were made to nurture and raise children whether they are our own, adopted, or others who need nurturing.

I had no children of my own, but one day I found myself suddenly having to take care of a new born baby.  To my amazement, and everyone who knew me, every natural maternal instinct kicked in and I had become a “mother” overnight. Motherhood is part of being a woman, it’s instinctive, do not squelch it.

There is another mother to meet, her name is Mary, the mother of Jesus.  She came into my life during a period of deep depression and rejection; a dark cloud so thick it was impossible for me to get out of on my own, not a friendly storm.

I asked Jesus if I could meet his mother because I needed a woman in my life to help me; she came to me, mother to child and woman to woman.  My spirit at last began to fly again as she gently restored me as a person and as a woman.

One day she said to me, “I’ll take you shopping.”  Personally I hate shopping and was never good at it.  I have a friend who is par excellence at shopping; she could make a buffalo look feminine.  My friend and I were hanging out at a high end clothing store when suddenly she’s picking out all kinds of new outfits for me to wear, all were exquisite, so was the bill.  We were about to exit the store and Mary says to me, “See, I took you shopping.”  What a great mom!

I pray you ask to meet her too!